How to survive among kiwis

First off, I am not talking about the rare and useless bird, or the lovely and juicy kiwifruit. I am talking about the group of people that are born and bred in a land far, far away. A people as adventurous, fun loving and pie obsessed, as you will ever meet.

You might have the pleasure of a trip to New Zealand, you might bump in to a bunch of them drinking away a Sunday afternoon (Tuesday night/Monday morning/whenever) in a London park. You might even catch a few on their OE (kiwi vocabulary for “overseas experience”, which of course by literal definition is any travel out of their country).

If you want to be on their good side from the start, this is what you should know.

Learn how to climb a tree and jump a cliff

Kiwis are an incredibly adventurous bunch. Stretch your leg muscles and work those arms. All of a sudden, you might realize that pre-party might actually take place in a tree, or that the activity for the day is to jump of stupidly high things into the water.

Don’t be fussy

I have never before seen people do dishes without rinsing them. Kiwis don’t care about some detergent in their drinks. There are worse things in life, like not getting a drink. Wrinkly sheets, holes in clothes or sleeping in a bush are all non-issues. The only thing this doesn’t apply to is:

Slip, slap, slop

The sun is notoriously strong in New Zealand and kiwi kids get educated in how to protect themselves from its rays. The catchy mantra “slip (on some clothes), slap (on a hat), slop (on some sunscreen)” seems to have stuck in most kiwis’ heads. This will be one of the few security measures you will ever see them take. Follow their advice if you are in New Zealand, it will save you from some nasty sunburns.

Don’t moan or whine

If you happen to get one of the drinks that are a little too bubbly, or not get any sleep for a night or two, or get a crack in your rib falling off one of those damn trees – don’t complain. Just pour yourself another drink.

Know a few drinking games

You know a country is big on drinking when it has a lot of words for being drunk. I am learning new ones every weekend. The most popular way to get maggot/on the piss/crunk is through drinking games. And even though there is already an impressive array, they are constantly looking for new ones. You will be the hero of the night if you can equip your new friends with a few more.

Be up for anything, anytime

If you are ready for adventures, you will have the best time of your life among the kiwis. Going for random missions in the middle of the night maybe doesn’t seem appealing when you see your comfy bed, but it will most certainly turn into a memory.

Be prepared to live together

If you are planning to stay for a bit longer in New Zealand, and aren’t filthy rich, you are going to end up in a flat with other people. Remember to not sweat the small things. Someone will drink all your orange juice. Someone will make you breakfast when you most need it.

Reduce, reuse, recycle

New Zealand rarely misses an opportunity to tell the world that it’s “clean and green”. It is a country of recyclers. It is a country where the recycle collector in some places rides a bike with a trailer. Don’t let them down. Do your best for the cheesy motto, and for the earth.

Improvise

The isolated location historically forced the kiwis to find solutions to all problems possible. The famous number 8 wire became their best friend and symbol for fixing things themselves. Duct tape is the modern version. However, you don’t have to be handy at all, just ask one of your kiwi friends and he/she will take care of it. Repay with a box of beer.

Remember everything can be fixed with number 8 wire, duct tape and booze.

Except a bad sunburn.